The Management Consulting Group

When someone hurts us, irritates, aggravates, harass, threatens, or let us down we call get angry ! Anger is either our worst trait or our best friend. If another person threatens us and we act out in anger in a managed way, most likely we are going to have a positive response and they stop.

If we act out aggressively and we lose control,the other person most often will have the upper hand. When we have control of our emotions and feelings, it helps us to become successful in life. We know how to deal with situations when they arise. On the other hand, if we areangry and in a bad mood our health is in danger and problems are going to escalate.

When a person is dealing with anger, he or she will often neglect the problem. The person may deny any actions that he or she has done. Denial is the reason why some never come over their problems. Another reason is that acceptance has never happened. Mental health experts are in constant debate lingering over diagnosis.

They will tell the patient that providing their diagnosis could create a label that puts the patient in constant struggle. I disagree with this since a person needs to know what is wrong with them before they can deal with the problem. This is a form of acceptance. Another problem is a person can go through a series of diagnoses before someone figures out what the problem is !! If you have the root cause then it is often easier to deal with the problem.

Anger is an emotion that has been interrupted by some force, person (s), and so on. If this problem continues, it only gets worse. Other problems are stemmed from mental illnesses and or excessive alcohol consumption or drugs. Not everyone with anger problems has an issue with alcohol or drugs, but in some instances, it is another problem that needs immediate attention.

Likewise, not everyone with mental illnesses is an alcoholic or drug addict.Not everyone with a mental illness has anger issues. The problem then is buried in the mind. Emotions are tricky and they can drain the life from a person. Therefore, when we know how to deal with emotions and feelings we are on the road to success.

Nothing is more rewarding than feeling a sense of control and achievement, and when you feel this repeatedly you are exerting self-control. It is important to seek help, finding someone that you can trust to help you deal with your emotions. This can help you find yourself and a way to control your behaviors.

Behaviors are based on environment, functions, and attitudes. When we are in an environment that is not good, then it is time to remove our self to another area to learn self-control. Acquainting yourself with positive people can benefit your behaviors.

When our body and mind are not functioning properly, we are going to loose control. Attitudes contribute to anger in the sense that if we are thinking negatively, negative results will occur. Therefore, practicing positive thinking will enhance our lifestyles and help us to manage our emotions and feelings, including our anger.

For more related information visit: http://www.DepressionSymptomsTreatment.com - a site that offers advice for avoiding, coping with depression. Get professional knowledge on dealing with symptoms, drug side effects and improving your life!

The impatient tooting of a car horn startled us into awareness. No one had thought beyond making it through the grievous night. Now the sun was up, and it took a moment to realize that this was just like any other school day for everyone else. Distasteful tasks always fall to the youngest child, so I was pushed, unceremoniously, out the door.

Hurrying down the driveway, my childish mind searched frantically for the proper words to say. Taking a deep breath, I stuck my head in the car window. “Mother won’t be needing a ride to work today. She’s dead.”

I vaguely recall the look of shock on the neighbor’s face as I turned and walked slowly back to the house.

A gaping hole separated yesterday from today, and I was left clinging to the edge in bewilderment. At eleven years of age, I was extremely shy . . . and mortified by the sudden, overwhelming attention of morbid spectators who drove slowly past the house to glimpse the face of grief. I didn’t know how to deal with this traumatic event.

For me, time had stopped; but life doesn’t cease simply because a dear one has been taken away. I only knew I was lost without Mother, while everyone else appeared to be coping just fine. I tucked my feelings behind a facade, and did not emerge from my grief for more than a decade.

Today, I realize these circumstances are not unusual. Nearly one-third of my young students have already experienced the death of a parent or sibling! School counselors and mental health professionals stand ready to assist in times of crisis. Yet, the people most qualified to help us through the grieving process are those who love us most — our closest relatives, friends and church family.

Most of us feel too awkward to spend much time with a child who is grieving. We visit the funeral home; if he doesn’t appear too badly shaken, we convince ourselves that he would not appreciate our meddling. We give his hand a sympathetic squeeze, utter a sincere, “I’ll be praying for you,” breathe a quick prayer for his emotional healing, and get on with our own lives.

How very wrong is that reaction! Quite often, those closest to the youngster are too distracted by their own grief to notice him floundering. As Christians, we must administer healing, even at the risk of rejection.

Religion that God our Father accepts as pure and faultless is this: to look after orphans and widows in their distress. . . (James 1:27)

Therefore, I am afraid your obligation to a grieving child in your family or church goes way beyond a visit to the funeral home. It requires an investment of your life, over the next few months, or maybe years. Allow me to offer these suggestions:

1. Start with a hug. A handshake is strange to a child, and a pat on the head is degrading. However, a loving hug can break through the toughest armor, and often makes the tears of healing flow.

2. With the parent’s permission, spend time with the child. Encourage him to talk about his loss, his loved one, and his feelings. If he refuses to talk, YOU talk. Share your own experiences. Leave yourself wide open for ANY questions or concerns.

3. Assure the child that it is normal to feel
disoriented, overwhelmed, embarrassed, afraid,
angry, depressed, abandoned, hurt and anxious.

4. Don’t be afraid to laugh and share a sense of
humor. Spending too much time in a sad, morbid
atmosphere can lead a child into deep depression,
triggering a multitude of new problems.

5. Help the child to envision a worthwhile future. Help
him or her find a reason to be enthusiastic about tomorrow, about next week, and about next year.

Finally, use this opportunity to share the hope that
is within you.

“For I know the plans I have for you,” says the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you a hope and a future. Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart.” (Jeremiah 29:11-13)

Why else does God allow suffering, if not to draw us closer to Himself? Your loving touch and your testimony can mean the difference between a child coming to Christ, or facing a decade of unresolved grief.

_________________________________________________________

An extended illness, such as cancer, often triggers a certain amount of grieving, depending upon the prognosis of the disease. It is very natural to want to protect a child from the fears and uncertainties involved. But is it wise to hide the fact that one’s mother, father or sibling has a life-threatening illness? Probably not. Even when the prognosis looks very bleak, both the American Cancer Society and the National Cancer Institute agree that honesty and openness are important. By sharing openly with others in the family, a child is better able to deal with the stress and anxiety felt within the home.

Here are some excellent web-sites that offer encouragement in dealing with kids and the emotional side of cancer:

http://www.kidskonnected.org

http://cancernet.nci.nih.gov/coping.html

http://kidscope.org/kids.htm

http://www.cancercare.org

S. M. Calhoun is a teacher and freelance writer. For more helpful articles on improving your home and family life, visit the newsletter page of our web site: http://www.poshbungalow.com

Office politics! It’s just another way of saying: “The employees are not getting along!”

When so much of a company’s success depends on the employees’ ability to work together as a cohesive team, it is critical that people understand and appreciate the differences in each other.

Symptoms of Office Politics:

• Conflict

• Stress

• Job Dissatisfaction

• Poor communication skills

The Results:

• High employee turnover

• Reduced productivity and profitability

The Solution:

• Improve employee communication and understanding

The Disc Classic behavioral assessment is widely used by the nation’s largest companies to improve the working relationship amongst its employees. The disc profile provides a nonjudgmental way to explore the “Dimensions of Behavior” across these 4 dimensions: Dominance, Influence, Steadiness, and Conscientiousness.

• D types like to be in control, and are direct, impatient, and strong-willed.

• I types are people-oriented and are expressive, outgoing, and they need recognition.

• S types are stable, predictable, and they like to work behind the scenes. They are good listeners and are sympathetic.

• C types are analytical, and concerned with quality. They like to plan ahead and are systematic in their way of doing things.

When employees understand the different work styles and how best to relate to each style, the “Office Politics” may be a thing of the past.

To purchase the Disc Classic profile or any other Inscape Publishing product, visit www.disc-profiles-on-sale.com.

About The Author

Kevin Hobbs writes for http://www.disc-profiles-on-sale.com/ where you can find more information about inscape publishing products. *All products are registered trademarks of Inscape publishing.

losangel27@yahoo.com

The voice on the radio suddenly forced its way into my conscious
awareness. Absolutely staggering, I felt it with no uncertainty.

Forty Percent of the Afghan economy is made of illegal drug
production and trafficking. Worse, the US has nothing that can
replace that for Afghan entrepreneurs.

As I contemplated these hard hitting statements, I found myself
imagining how different our world could be if we just stuck to
some basic tenants of common decency.

Yet , what does it say about our world where such an obscene
industry could exist? Plenty, because it is not just the growers
and traffickers of these drugs that are contributing to the
problems, it is also the users of the end product. Those users
ultimately feed the entire industry with cash flow.

Considering the Afghan issues along with the drug trade around
the world, there HAS to be an incredible amount of drug users to
support the global market for drugs. Why?

Is it really about the high, or is it about escaping the sober
realities and pain of human life. It seems that we never hear
anyone talking about this. Life is painful, it is a fact.
Whether you are rich or poor, there are all kinds of problems
and challenges that we human beings face.

How appealing a drug addiction and the escape it provides must
be to the end users. In some ways, it may even be
understandable.

Life and facing life’s challenges head on is NOT for the timid,
but we are all faced with life nonetheless. And there is no
escaping that for the rational and sober minded person. Sure,
there are moments of pleasure that provide temporary relief but
how long do those moments last. How long is it before the next
problem rears up to get in our way?

For some, the moments of pleasure and happiness last longer and
not so long for others. That may be related to a whole host of
factors and not necessarily socio-economic ones. So what can we
do?

Essentially, not much and that is for a reason. It is a fact of
human life that free will exists. Nothing can change that and
regardless of any law, people will still make their own choices,
that cannot be changed.

So what is the solution, more laws? No, I don’t think so. We
have plenty of those now. Will greater happiness and contentment
make a difference?

How does one achieve a larger degree of happiness in this
incredibly complex and problem ridden world and in the lives
that we live? I remember a sort of true saying from way back,
“history repeats itself”. But why does history repeat itself?
Perhaps the human condition doesn’t really change that much,
only the scenery of the times change.

So if similar conditions existed in the past for humanity,
someone must have had some ideas on how to deal with it. One of
the western world’s most revered philosopher’s was Socrates. And
what did he talk about? Virtue. He also discussed things like
Truth, Beauty and Goodness.In modern times, Master Li Hongzhi
has been discussing Truth, Compassion and Endurance.

Perhaps contemplation of these things can bring one closer to a
lasting happiness that doesn’t require drugs to fuel. And
keeping with the truth of mankind’s freewill, it can only be up
to the individual to decide.

Culture: n 1. natural phenomenon that is created whenever a group of people come together to collaborate; 2. foundation for all decisions and actions within an organization; 3. the way things are around here.

Every time people come together with a shared purpose, culture is created. This group of people could be a family, neighborhood, project team, or company. Culture is automatically created out of the combined thoughts, energies, and attitudes of the people in the group.

I often compare culture to electricity. Culture is an energy force that becomes woven through the thinking, behavior, and identity of those within the group. Culture is powerful and invisible and its manifestations are far reaching. Culture determines a company’s dress code, work environment, work hours, rules for getting ahead and getting promoted, how the business world is viewed, what is valued, who is valued, and much more.

Culture shows up in both visible and invisible ways. Some manifestations of this energy field called “culture” are easy to observe. You can see the dress code, work environment, perks, and titles in a company. This is the surface layer of culture. These are only some of the visible manifestations of a culture.

The far more powerful aspects of culture are invisible. The cultural core is composed of the beliefs, values, standards, paradigms, worldviews, moods, internal conversations, and private conversations of the people that are part of the group. This is the foundation for all actions and decisions within a team, department, or organization.

Visible Manifestations of Culture
Dress Code

Work Environment

Benefits

Perks

Conversations

Work/Life Balance

Titles & Job Descriptions

Organizational Structure

Relationships

Invisible Manifestations of Culture
Values
Private Conversations (with self or confidants)

Invisible Rules

Attitudes

Beliefs

Worldviews

Moods and Emotions

Unconscious Interpretations

Standards

Paradims

Assumptions

Business leaders often assume that their company’s vision, values, and strategic priorities are synonymous with their company’s culture. Unfortunately, too often, the vision, values, and strategic priorities may only be words hanging on a plaque on the wall.

In a thriving profitable company, employees will embody the values, vision, and strategic priorities of their company. What creates this embodiment (or lack of embodiment) is the culture that permeates the employees’ psyches, bodies, conversations, and actions.

The energy fields that make up a group’s culture are dynamic and change continuously. Culture is created and constantly reinforced on a daily basis through conversations, symbols, rituals, written materials, and body language. It is the small, mundane actions and behaviors that create a culture and can shift a culture.

Creating and sustaining a healthy, vibrant culture requires reinforcement of the culture through daily and proactive conversations and communications. The failure to discuss the values, purpose, and rules within a group often leads to a culture that is at cross purposes with the stated intention of the group. Poor communication creates a lot of confusion and often a crisis of meaninglessness.

Since a culture is created every time a group of people come together to form a team, a company will have many sub-cultures that exist within its main culture. For example, the marketing and technology teams may have different worldviews, jargon, work hours, and ways to do things. A big challenge for today’s company is to create a strong, cohesive corporate culture that pulls all of the sub-cultures together and ensures that they can work as a unified team.

Most companies try to “fix” perceived problems by addressing the parts of the corporate culture that are easy to see. Some quick-fixes include holding Friday beer bashes and company picnics or adding fringe benefits and perks. None of these actions will have a powerful or lasting effect on a company’s culture.

So, if the powerful part of culture is invisible, how can you affect it? Through conversation. Conversations have the power to make the invisible visible. Language is not merely descriptive, it is generative. Language and conversations have the power to generate a new, powerful future and to create a cultural energy field that will support and sustain this future.

The CEO and leadership team of a company have a powerful impact on culture through their conversations and behaviors. Business leaders can pro-actively create a thriving culture by understanding what culture is (and is not) and learning how to have fundamental business conversations.

Unfortunately, most business leaders receive little to no education on how to have powerful conversations that generate culture and actions. Culture building can be learned, but it takes an honest commitment from the leadership team of an organization.

Find out how to shift your corporate culture to increase profits and retain employees. Visit http://www.culturebuilders.com for free articles and white papers on corporate culture.

Actual behavior is vary important, but so are the reason behind it. In most cases, the only way to know how motivated your staff members is through the ways in which they behave. This includes what they say, their gestures, expressions, and stance.

Note

Be aware that the systems that your staff use mat be demotivating

Reading Behavior

When trying to read behavior, recognize that while body language can give clues to motivation levels, it can also be misread. More concrete signals will be provided by the ways in which individuals perform their tasks: this is likely to give you the clearest indication of their motivation. Some one who works cheerfully and efficiently is unlikely to be hiding anything if they greet you with a smile. Like wise, a dour facial expression should only be interpreted adversely if combined with a grumpy “That’s-not-my-job” attitude to work.

Note

Look for positive responses to any criticism - they are good signs of motivation in staff

Seeing Enthusiasm

Positive motivation is often signaled by positive gestures: a smile, a eager pose, and a relaxed manner. When people carry out a task in which they are interested or enthusiastic, they may have a “sparkle” in the eyes, since their pupils actually enlarge. Confident eye contact is also important as a measure of motivation: demotivated people are less likely to look you straight in the eye. Blushing can indicate pleasure, while an increased rate of breathing can indicate enthusiasm - both of these are good signs of motivation.

Note

Maintain eye contact with your staff whenever you speak with them

Recognizing Motivation

Motivation can be recognized in a number of ways - look particularly for signs that your staff feel useful, optimistic, or able to take opportunities. A team in which each member looks after the others’ interest is likely to be a good source of motivation. Look for evidence that your staff are satisfied in their job rather than anxious and frustrated. If you find such signs, ask them whether they are satisfied. You can also establish a good idea of an individual’s level of motivation by their attitude towards work. The statements below are all indicative of motivated staff members:

They freely volunteer efforts and ideas, as well as other contributions;

They always react well to request and new assignments

They work to achieve, not “to rule”

They seem to be happy at work

They always respond frankly to question

Note

Ask your staff if any changes at work would help to motivate them

Learn to see the difference between work problems and personal problems

Recognizing A Motivated Worker

A tidy, organized work space and a well-groomed appearance can initiate a positive attitude to work. A tidy desk is a sign of motivated workers who wish to be able to find the things they need easily, while attention to personal appearance suggests a high level of communication to the job

Visit My Site
http://www.careerpath.cc

Manik Thapar (MBA)
http://www.careerpath.cc

How many times have you heard a friend say about someone who’s
no longer here, “I never got to tell her (or him) how much I
really cared.”

We’ve all felt this way at some stage about someone in our
lives. Yet it’s hard to sit down and tell a person face to face
exactly what they mean to you. Perhaps it feels a little
artificial, or you’re not comfortable expressing yourself so
directly. But there is a way to convey those feelings in a
manner that’s comfortable to you both.

This Mother’s Day, write a personal note to your mother telling
her what she’s contributed to your life. Make this a time to put
aside your differences (or grievances) and search for the
positives in your relationship.

Here’s a step-by-step approach to composing your message:

1.Set aside some time as soon as possible to start making notes.
If you leave yourself a few days to work on this, you’ll find
that your subconscious mind will start searching for more
examples of your mother’s gifts to you. So assign it this task
and don’t be surprised if you start remembering events you
haven’t thought of in decades.

2.Your first list will be of your mother’s positive qualities,
many of which you will hopefully have modeled. For example, is
she patient, kind, gentle, forthright, accepting, questioning,
assertive, accommodating? Even behaviors like carping or nagging
can be seen in a positive light (she’s persistent or concerned).
Or you can leave them off the list. Does she have a good sense
of humor, a knack for making other people feel at ease, a way of
persuading others to do the right thing? Is she a good listener,
a good hostess, a great organizer? Look at the way she handles
her mothering role, as well as the other roles she plays in her
life. How does she juggle it all? What does she love? Do you
share these passions?

3.The next list is her talents. Where does she excel? For
example, is she artistic? Does she paint, draw, sculpt, arrange
flowers or decorate well? Do you exhibit the same traits or
perhaps a variation? Does she have a good singing voice? Good
looks? An ability for math, English, writing, gardening,
science? What natural talents do you share with her?

4.The final list focuses on what she taught you. Did she instil
specific values, beliefs, attitudes that have served you in your
life? Did she teach you skills that have benefited you in some
way? Did she arrange lessons in other areas where you expressed
an interest, so that you could develop new skills or talents?
This is a gift too.

5.What is her greatest gift to you?

6.When your list is complete, set aside an hour or so and write
a thank you letter. It doesn’t have to be sweet or sentimental.
Just list all the gifts she’s given you, whether through
heredity, example or teaching, and thank her for them. You can
embellish your message if you wish, but the whole point of the
exercise is to express your gratitude for what she has
contributed to your life.

7.You can handwrite the message, type it into your computer, and
print it in a plain or calligraphic font. Whatever feels right
for you.

8.Then include it with the card you give her on Mother’s Day. It
will be an occasion she’ll never forget.

Depression and mood disorders are very prevalent mental health issues today. In an increasingly health conscious society, more options are being put forth in the realm of natural medicine, allowing people to stabilize and enhance mood naturally, without addictive and often harmful prescription antidepressants.

Natural mood stabilizers and mood enhancers usually work by encouraging the production of serotonin and other “pleasure” chemicals such as norepinephrine in the human brain, thereby promoting a sense of calm, well-being and revitalization.

Herbal mood enhancers may contain several different herbs and vitamins in concentrated form ranging from St. John’s Wort, Vitamin C, Vitamin E, Vitamin B12 and various other proprietary blends of botanical extracts and powders. The goal of natural mood stabilizers is to simultaneously alleviate stress and anxiety, while increasing energy and vitality levels (this is where Vitamin B12 usually comes into play - as an energy enhancer). All of this is done through precise blends of complementing ingredients to produce the desired outcome chemically in the human body.

A mood stabilizer is an excellent way to help make it through life’s rough patches or particulary stressful events in life, since they are natural and non-habit forming, but very effective at enhancing mood for those who need some temporary help from time to time. Please note that individuals who suffer severe clinical depression should seek the help and guidance of a therapist and/or psychiatrist though, as therapy and medication may be needed in extreme cases.

Mood enhancing herbs have actually long been used in ancient civilizations as a means for mood stabilization and mood elevation. Natural mood enhancers, in contrast with prescription antidepressants, actually do not produce many of the common side effects of prescription antidepressants.

Side effects of the more common antidepressants (Zoloft, Paxil, Effexor, Lexapro and more),may include any of the following: suicidal tendencies, sexual disfunction, dry mouth, urinary retention, constipation, blurred vision, headache, weight gain, gastrointestinal disturbance and more.

Most people actually discontinue the usage of prescription mood enhancers (antidepressants) due to the simple fact that the side effects are worse than the actual depression. Many critics of prescription mood stabilizers argue that we don’t know enough about how or why they work in the human brain, and that it is the “overkill” approach to treating depression or the “sledgehammer to crack a nut” approach, which is not necessary to effectively treat many cases of depression.

One thing is certain. There are countless people who suffer from moderate depression and mood disorders from time to time. There is simply no reason to not try a natural method to stabilize and regulate your mood by using a natural mood enhancer to get through emotionally difficult times. It’s simply not worth the risks associated with antidepressants if it is not severe enough to warrant a psychologist’s supervision.

Visit Mood Enhancers for more information on the natural mood enhancer mentioned in this article. Danna Schneider is the founder of Herbal-Therapeutics Effective Herbal Remedies .

The key to a good business relationship is being clear and detailed up front - this includes when asking for a proposal or hiring an employee. Any business relationship can benefit from clarity and details.

Many business relationships are put in place with little planning or little conversation. A good relationship takes a little up front work from both sides. It is not merely the business has a job that needs to be done and the vendor/consultant has the skills or products to fulfill that need. A business relationship that is not well defined up front can lead to many problems as time goes on.

Amazingly too many businesses set out to look for a consultant or a vendor with little or no real thought into the details of the project.

A great working relationship needs to have three basic items.

1. Objectives:

What are the objectives of the project? What do you want this consultant or vendor to accomplish? You decide that you want to understand how the company has grown to its current size and what is needed to grow to the next level. You decide that current staffing does not allow for this to be done in house and you want a fresh set of eyes so you decide to hire a strategic management consultant.

The objective is appears fairly obvious. But then again, it may not be. Is the owner looking for a simple overview report that gives some basic guidelines and direction or are they looking for specifics like how much money it will take to grow the company, what types of staffing levels and expertise are needed, will additional technology be needed, new products that can be added, additional third parties that can be brought in to assist or a multitude of other items.

Ultimately, a business needs to take the time to outline their objectives and make them as clear and even specific as possible. The objectives should be refined as conversations and negotiations with the vendor/consultant take place to put them into a realistic perspective.

2. Expectations:

Expectations are the next most important element. Now that we understand the clear objectives of management, the next is to understand their expectations. This starts to get into the deliverables. These expectations are for both parties. This includes when things are to be accomplished, if this is to be on-site or not, payment schedules, key dates, confidentiality, and other important items that both sides expect of the other.

Expectations can also be utilized in the contract negotiations for bonuses and penalties. If the management report is expected by a certain date, it can be written in the contract that bonuses will be given if it is completed early or penalties for late reports. California started utilizing this system for private contractors for road repairs. Setting clear expectations also makes certain that misunderstands are less likely.

3. Responsibilities:

Once management and the vendor are clear about the objectives and the expectations, now both parties must agree on the responsibilities. This is pretty clear because of the roles each plays. For example, let’s look at a management consultant hired to help management understand why the company is not growing as fast as its competitors. The responsibilities of management includes granting access to all staff, needed books and records, being truthful and honest, and important third parties. It may also include office space or use of a computer. The responsibilities of the consultant includes setting up meetings with staff in advance, confidentiality, professional attire while in the office, and not representing themselves as a employee of the firm.

Both Parties:

Although many of these seem obvious, the more that can be outlined the better. With these items, a vendor or consultant understands what you are trying to accomplish, how you want it accomplished, and what he or she is responsible to do. Management also understands what the consultant or vendor can accomplish and if the objectives of the firm need to be altered because some of their objectives or expectations were unrealistic.

Objectives, expectations and responsibilities - detailing as much as possible all of this allows for a better relationship, a better contract, and a better proposal. Although it is the responsibility of management to start the process and be as clear and detailed as possible in the beginning, it takes both parties working together, to put a realistic scope of services and relationship in place.

OTB Strategic Consulting, Inc. is run by successful business people with decades of experience in successful ventures. Our latest ventures include business consulting and financial consulting firms. Members of OTB are business, sales/marketing and financial experts, seminar speakers and authors of the ebook/course, Business Consulting for Small Businesses, and the newsletter, Small Business Authority Newsletter. To get your free subscription and free reports including 10 Major Pitfalls Every Business Must Avoid, visit http://www.otbstrategic.com or http://www.megabusinessconsulting.com. Visit another related site: http://www.videogamepixel.com.

Breaking Up, Separation, and Divorce Can Be Devastating -
But May Also Provide the Opportunity for Self-Examination
and a New Beginning

There is nothing easy about ending a love relationship.
Breaking up is seldom the ideal resolution to problems
within relationships, but all too often is the outcome,
despite our best efforts to prevent it. Over the past
two or three decades, about half of all marriages have
ended in divorce, and the statistics for cohabitation
(or living together) are higher than this.

The person who was once your best friend and your
companion for life, the one who knew you better than
anyone else, has now in some ways become your enemy.
You cannot believe that this has happened.
How could that love have been destroyed? The breakup of a
relationship is one of life’s most emotionally painful
experiences.
The depth of pain depends on many factors - how
sensitive you are to
the meaning of your life experiences, how much you
have idealized the relationship, and how much you
depended on your partner to make your life worthwhile.

A broken relationship shatters much that we have
known and dreamed
about. Our relationships, especially intimate
relationships, help us define who we are. Our values,
our views of the world,
and how we define our most intimate feelings are all
embodied within our love relationships. When our relationship
comes to an end, our lives enter a chaotic period for which we
may be unprepared. We suddenly find ourselves dealing
with a host of emotions and thoughts - grieving, despair,
anger, revenge and retaliation, hoping for a miracle,
negotiating, feeling out of control, hoping for
happiness again and not knowing how to get
there, fear, and loneliness - and little of it seems
to make sense. (And where is your partner when you need
him or her the most?)

Most of us have never acquired the tools to deal with a loss
of this magnitude. When we entered the relationship, we put
our energies into building a life with our partner. We put
little effort into learning to be alone again. A breakup
forces us to jump into an overwhelming, and often dreaded,
world of new experiences.

It is comforting to learn that this time of craziness
will come to a close. The sun will shine again. The pain
of a breakup, if it is approached constructively, can propel
people to confront personal issues and to discover who they
are at this stage of life. Many people look back on the time
following their breakup as the best time in their lives.
It may be painful, but it is also a time when a person can
feel fully alive and impelled to look within to determine
their strengths, abilities, and challenges.

The ending of a love relationship follows a predictable set
of experiences. It is helpful to recognize the feelings
associated with each stage of a breakup and to know that
these feelings are normal and expected. If you have
difficulty in handling the negative feelings that
accompany the phases of the process, it will probably
be a challenge to cope effectively as you move toward
the completion of the breakup. If you accept your
painful feelings and explore why things are difficult,
you become better able, as a more integrated person,
to see your way to a happier resolution.

Let’s look at a few of the predictable stages commonly
experienced by those in the process of a breakup.

Denial

Denying the truth of the breakup actually helps us to
postpone the pain, so denial certainly has a place in
the process, at least initially. A problem occurs when
we experience so much denial that we are unable to come
to terms with the reality of the task before us. There
comes a day when “this is not happening to me” is no
longer an effective way of coping. Ending the denial
stage involves a major shift in our thinking about
ourselves, what our partner means to us, and where we
must go from here.

Fear

Most people experiencing a breakup are forced to come
to terms with a number of fears. What will people say?
Whom can I trust to talk to? How can I handle my partner’s
anger toward me? How do I deal with my own anger? Am I a
complete failure? How can I be a single parent?
What about money? Can I do the banking and buy
groceries and pay bills and fix the car? Can I
handle my loneliness? Am I completely unlovable?
Will I ever love anyone else again? Do I have the
energy for this much change? When we are dominated
by our fears and feel unable to do anything about them,
we increase the likelihood that these will be the
very areas where we experience trouble. The best way
to handle fear is to confront it head on, with awareness,
planning, and support - and this takes courage.

Loneliness

The loneliness a person experiences at the time of a
breakup may feel overwhelming. The finality of ending
the relationship, uncertainty about the future, as well
as the knowledge that your partner will no longer be
there to comfort you or to spend time with you, all
contribute to an empty feeling that seems as if it will
not go away. While you were in the relationship, you
defined yourself as being partnered and you felt that
you always had someone there to share your experiences.
And now you don’t. The clue to dealing with this is to
change loneliness to aloneness. Loneliness suggests a
longing to be with another person. Aloneness can be a
time to see who you are - you have the opportunity to
explore your independence and challenge yourself to do
things on your own. It can be a valuable time of
self-exploration and self-enhancement. Aloneness
might not last long, or at least not long enough,
so it can be seen as a valuable opportunity.

Friendship

The breakup is a true test of just who your real
friends are. It is important to draw on the emotional
support of friends during this time. Unfortunately,
many of your friends were those who knew you as a
couple and they may have to choose between you.
Those who try to stay neutral may find it difficult.
Some may feel that your breakup somehow threatens
their own relationships, and some friends may now
find it difficult to relate to you as a single person.
Not only that, but you may find it difficult to trust
others during a breakup. Getting out, feeling free,
trusting wisely, and opening up to others becomes a
major goal of healthy adjustment.

Grieving

It is normal, and indeed necessary, to experience a
period of grieving over the end of the relationship.
You may feel depressed for some time and experience
changes in your energy levels, as well as your sleeping
and appetite patterns. You may dwell on negative
thoughts for a period of time and find it difficult
to find pleasure in everyday events. If your negative
thinking turns into self-destructive thoughts, you
should find a professional therapist who can help you.
As unpleasant as this period of grieving may feel,
comfort yourself with the knowledge that this is most
likely a temporary phase and it is how you are saying
goodbye so that you can move on to a healthier and happier
future.

Anger

People ending their relationships usually say that
they never knew they could have so much anger. The
rage seems overwhelming at times. Think about it
- you have just lost one of the most important things
in your life and your partner may seem like your enemy.
You have a lot to be angry about. Use this opportunity
to look within - explore your anger and find out how it
helps and hurts you. One rule: don’t engage in any
behavior you will feel sorry about later on! Because
it may be difficult to contain your anger at this time,
your partner is not the appropriate target for your anger.
Instead, process your anger by talking about it with a
trusted friend or therapist. Anger is helpful in the
sense that it helps us end the loyalty and trust we
used to feel for our partner, and this allows us to move on.

Think of the ending of your relationship as a journey,
which you take one step at a time. Some of these steps
are challenging. Not only do we have to confront all
of the stages listed above, but we must also deal with
making the final break emotionally, understand what
really went wrong, learn to feel comfortable with
ourselves again, see ourselves as single people,
make new friends, forge new purposes and goals, and
learn again about trust and love. As painful as this
journey may seem at first, it can lead to a life which
is better - and it can be much better.

Dumpers and Dumpees

A breakup seems easiest for couples who decide mutually
to end the relationship. In most cases, however, as
suggested by Bruce Fisher and Robert Alberti, in their
book, Rebuilding: When Your Relationship Ends, a breakup
involves a dumper, the party who takes the initiative to
end the relationship, and a dumpee, the one who wants the
relationship to continue. Sometimes, when one analyzes the
nature of the relationship, it may be difficult to decide
just who is the dumper and the dumpee. In general, however,
the dumper is the one who says it is all over, and the
dumpee is the one in shock who begs the other not to leave.
Dumpees often say they were taken completely by surprise
by their partner’s announcement.

The breakup experience is often very different for each
of the two parties. The dumper usually began preparing
for the end well before the final announcement, and the
actual parting often comes as a relief for the dumper.
The primary emotion experienced by the dumper is guilt.
The dumpee, on the other hand, is usually hit by surprise
and with a great deal of pain. The turmoil of the breakup
itself is usually much more intense for the dumpee, but it
is this pain that can motivate more personal growth. The
main task of the dumpee is to work through feelings of
rejection. Both parties usually experience a great deal
of pain as their relationship comes to an end, although
the pain of guilt is different from the pain of rejection.
For a healthy adjustment it is important to recognize
which role has been assumed, dumper or dumpee, and to
work on the issues appropriate to that role.

How Long Do I Wait Until I Get Into Another Relationship?

Expect that it will take at least a year before things
begin to feel at all normal again. For most of us,
depending on the length and the nature of our previous
relationship, it will take two or three years. This may
seem like an eternity, but in reality this is a wonderful
and precious opportunity to find out who you are as an
unattached individual. A word of warning is in order
- don’t expect to involve yourself with someone else
immediately! You are on the rebound. To attach yourself prematurely in a love relationship is unfair to you and to the other person. You must deal with important personal
issues when your previous love relationship comes to an end.
Living through the transition and exploring these issues
can be painful - and falling in love again may seem like
the perfect way to end the pain. But if you attach yourself
again too quickly, before you have a chance to explore the
issues which led to your breakup and to start to feel
comfortable again as a single and independent individual,
the other person becomes a replacement object, and that
is not what a healthy relationship is about. You will
probably carry into this replacement relationship the
same issues that helped to lead to the demise of your
former relationship - and similar events may very well
happen again.

Your real goal is to discover who you are and to explore
what happened. When you are at the point of being able
to have a happy and fulfilled life as a single person,
then you can choose when, or even if, you should
involve yourself in another love relationship.
When you know that you have that choice, you may be ready.

© 2006 Paul and Layne Cutright - All rights reserved.
You may publish this article in its entirety and with
the authors’ resource information intact.

Layne and Paul Cutright are relationship coaches and teachers who have been offering secrets and strategies for successful relationships at home and in business since 1976. They are authors of the best selling book, You’re Never Upset for the Reason You Think - Secrets and Strategies for Resolving Any Upset Quickly and Easily. http://www.PaulandLayne.com