The Management Consulting Group

There are so many types of racing out there.You can watch Nascar,race in illegal street races,or even race little rascals against the people at the old folks home,but lets face it…these ways blow more than your mom.I am tired of seeing so many shitty ways of racing that I went out with a few of my friends and created a whole new way to do it.You see,some of you may be familiar with the Fisher Price toys Power Wheels right?You know the things that are made to look like popular real world cars and are made for little kids?

Well screw that because we found a much more kick ass use for them other than having some little kid running around at 3 MPH.That kind of shit is for pussies,I want some real speed in these beasts so one night we stole a few jeeps,with the little kid still in it(lie),and ripped all of the fucking gears out of it.Those gears hold back the entire jeep so it runs like shit.Than we stole two more,actually some old lady was throwing them out,and now we have the most kick ass racing in the world today.Behold,Power Wheels Racing,a new alternative for those who think racing is gay.The wrecks you see here are real.We’re going about 20-30 MPH in little fucking pieces of plastic.I mean,what’s more extreme than that?I beg you to find something.

When you wreck riding on one of these you get “Fucked Up”.Not just fucked up,but really mangled.We originally had 4 drivers,but he is dead now,don’t believe me?I don’t blame you because I’m making shit up again.Hell I wrecked one of these beasts and I still have scars from them,but that’s ok because the chicks dig the scars.They ask what it is and I tell them I got them from my racing career as a Power Wheels Racer.They jump all over me and start making out with me as soon as I say Power Wheels Racer.So I guess this article was just made to pimp out the site I made.Yes,I made that site too.It’s so fucking awesome that I think you’ll be jacking off to it in no time.

Oh yeah,I’ll have a video of me jumping one of those beasts in the next few days so keep an eye on it and sign the guestbook.Hos.

About the Author

The Epic is founder of his personal site The Epic Zone and Power Wheels Racing.

A plumber came round to my house today. This in itself was all well and good. He was a lovely guy by the name of Dennis, clearly very experienced, and he got the job done in an unexpectedly short couple of hours. I’d been bracing myself for a hot-water-free weekend, so it was a very pleasant surprise to have the problem fixed so quickly.

In order to assist Dennis in finding the information he needed to mend my water
heater, I looked up the manufacturer’s details on the Internet, with Dennis looking
over my shoulder, helping. Within a few minutes, Dennis had called his boss, who
called the manufacturer, who explained the solution to Dennis’s boss, who
explained the solution to Dennis, who fixed the problem. Presto.

Dennis and I were quite pleased with ourselves, and congratulated each other
profusely on our combined ingenuity.

After Dennis had left, I got back to my laptop to find that the two websites that I’d
been editing before he arrived had been clearly on view throughout his visit. These
websites were, let’s just say, ‘in the experimental stages’, and were designed to
draw a large number of hits, thereby generating a bit of advertising revenue for this
pauper of a writer.

One was called ‘Living Sober - Without AA’.

The other was called ‘Free Penis Enlarger’.*

I’m not embarrassed about it though. It’s a simple mistake which anybody could
make.

* I feel obliged to add, for the sake of my own self-esteem, that this site was in fact
devoted to images of beautiful women!

Seb Carroll

To read the unedited version of this article, please visit:

http://sebcarroll.blogspot.com/2006/02/drunk-with-small-penis.html

I’m an old guy — thirty-five, even! — but periodically, I go through one of those ’second childhood’ phases. I think I’m on my eighth or ninth by now; it’s hard to keep track.

The latest phase involved trying out the music that the young whippersnappers are listening to these days. A few songs in, I found an intriguing trend — calling people out with food-related nicknames.

A case in point is this song: ‘Finding Out True Love Is Blind’, by Louis XIV. In this one, the singer saves his gastronomical metaphors for the ladies. For instance, the song begins with:

‘Ah, chocolate girl…‘

We’re also treated to a couple of renditions of:

‘Hey, carrot juice…‘

See? ‘Carrot juice‘ is a metaphor, cleverly referring to a redhead. And ‘chocolate girl‘ means a black girl, probably. She’s even got a ‘vanilla friend, later in the verse’; maybe that one is white. Or blonde. Or albino — and what’s hotter than that? I ask you.

Either that, or this guy is picking up chicks in a cafeteria. How the hell should I know? I’m too old to be interpreting any of this crazy new music nonsense.

On the other hand, I do like to keep up with the hot new trends. And if this is how the kiddies are talking now, then I’m down. So, I bopped into work today to try out a phew phat phood-related greetings of my own. The phirst — I mean, first — person I ran into was the receptionist. Perfect.

Me: ‘Hey, Picklesocks!‘
Her: ‘Hi, Cha– what did you just call me?‘
Me: ‘Um… nothing. Never mind.‘

Okay — rough start. Hey, I’m new at all this jive talking. I’ll get the hang of it. Next, I ran into my officemate.

Me: ‘‘Sup, Yogurtnose?‘
Him: ‘Excuse me?‘
Me: ‘I said, uh… good morning. That’s all.‘
Him: ‘You’re a dork. You know that, right?‘

So — oh for two. Good thing the guys from the office down the hall walked by soon after. Practice makes perfect, right?

Me: ‘Yo, Cheddarballs! Tacobutt!‘
Them: * shaking heads and walking away *
Me: ‘What? Come on! I expect that out of you, Tacobutt. But Cheddarballs, I thought we was tight, brother!‘

Dammit. Apparently, practice makes preposterous. I’ve been grossly misinformed. But I had one last chance to get it right, when my boss stopped by to say hello.

Boss: ‘Hello, Charlie.‘
Me: ‘Yo, Fudgypants. What’s shaking?‘
Boss: ‘Did you just call me… ‘Fudgypants’?‘
Me: ‘Er… no. No, not if you’re going to take that
attitude about it. How about ‘Cabbageface’?‘
Boss: ‘Cabbageface? You sure about that?‘
Me: Not any more, no. Pumpkinhead? Coffeebreath? Tunadrawers? Help me out here.‘
Boss: ‘Charlie, tell me — do you enjoy working here?‘
Me: ‘Well, sure. Up until about thirty seconds ago, anyway.‘

It was pretty much downhill from there. Old ‘Tunadrawers’ called me into his office and read me the riot act. So, I’m still employed, but the foody names are on permanent hiatus. I guess I’ll never be one of the cool kids. Fiddlenuts.

Charlie Hatton is an overzealous blogger and aspiring standup comedian offering smart, sophisticated humor about life, language, and the size of his naughty bits. He writes semi-daily and mostly randomly at Where the Hell Was I?

Marya Mannes once wrote, “The earth we abuse and the living things we kill will, in the end, take their revenge; for in exploiting their presence we are diminishing our future.” Obviously Ms. Mannes preferred the status quo - health, sanity, logic, blah, blah, blah. Why? Green House Roulette is so much more intriguing.

In the country, weather affects everything. For five years Western South Dakota has been gripped by drought. Water and hay are vanishing. Farms and ranches are blowing away. While the government bails out victims from hurricanes and says, ‘South Dawho?’ our cattle are pissing dust mites. Fortunately, things are looking up.

There is some good news! Those pesky glaciers are finally melting off! Last year an eight-nation report estimated an area of Arctic icepack the size of Texas and Kansas is gone. For those who are geographically impaired, that is an area bigger than a breadbox.

At first, news of devastating global climate change might seem a bit of a bummer. Then I read an LA Times article and had a change of heart. The article began with the usual gloom. Greenland’s ice cap is melting. Our coasts will flood from rising seawater. Inuit hunters are falling through thinning ice. Melting glaciers change ocean temperature and salinity contorting the jet stream, which results in altered weather patterns worldwide. Multitudes of species are dying off . . . It was disheartening.

Then I got to the article’s final paragraph. Bam! My faith was restored. Here the Times pointed out the perks of global warming. Seriously, the article actually ended saying: “The report is not all gloomy. A warmer Arctic could increase the number of some species, such as Arctic char, a fish. It could extend the growing season for wheat in Canada and open up now-treacherous sea routes, such as the Northwest Passage and the Northern Sea Route, which parallels Russia, for shipping and resource exploration.”

Three cheers for the LA Times! It’s true! All is not gloomy. With that glorious bit of sunshine pumped straight up my ski bibs, I was able to see things in a whole new light. I started thinking of other advantages to global warming. Soon you will agree that people from all walks of life will benefit.
For starters, Inuit Hunters will benefit! Once Inuit have nothing left to hunt there will be no need for them to risk falling through thin ice. Plus, by needing food they will be ripe for a floating (pontoons, not ice) Arctic Super Wal-Mart. “Go get ‘em, Sam.”

Boat owners will benefit! Not only will there be smooth sailing through the formerly bothersome ice of the Northwest Passage, but each summer, cruise ships will be able to run tourists straight up Bourbon Street in New Orleans.
Scuba Divers will benefit! There will be no more burning coral cuts. In fact there will be no more coral. Once all the reefs are gone, divers can pack away first aid kits and dive straight in. A little silt never cut anyone.

Canadian Wheat Farmers will benefit! You see, there is a 10% decrease in yield of corn from Midwest crops for every degree of global warming. No worries though, now wheat can take the place of corn. Think about all those scrumptious Wheat Dogs at the ball game. How about popped wheat with butter at the movies or steaming wheat on the cob? All scream ‘yummy’ to me.

While it is a bit ironic that ethanol is made from the corn crops global warming devastates, I am sure some aspiring chemist will rise to the challenge of developing ‘Wheatanol.’ Imagine Canuck Wheat Farmers having more influence than the Saudi Royal Family.

Dune-Buggy enthusiasts will benefit! The Dakotas will soon reopen for your 4-wheelin’ pleasure. Join the Mount Rushmore Nose Climb on July 4th! It will be a bugger of a challenge!

Eco-Tourism Operators will benefit! Companies could offer new “Emaciation Tour Packages.” Tourists get closer photos of polar bears and whales when they are too lethargic from starvation to meander away. In addition, long treks to Inuit villages can be avoided once they are forced to beg on the streets of Nome (or cashiering at Wal-Mart).

Finally, the next generation of Bush family politicians will benefit! Once again they can avoid addressing campaign issues, this time by distracting dehydrated voters with witty campaign phrases like; “No Kyoto Pact-No Ice Pack,” or “Dead Seals Never Flip-Flop,” even promising “No Char Left Behind.” Not to mention offering new, SPF 800 tax credits.

Well, by golly, I do feel better! Shall we spin the Rolette wheel some more?

The preceding was an excerpt from the scathingly wicked satire Bitch Unleashed: The Harsh Realities of Goin’ Country. A free e-book copy of Bitch Unleashed is available on Nola Kelsey’s web site at www.NolaKelsey.com.

Thanks to teen movies, many people have this stereotypical idea
of cheerleaders as being ditzy and mean. However, there are a
great many life-lessons that can be learned during your time on
the team that have surprising application in the business world.

1. Getting to the top of the pyramid means taking a few
risks. The person at the top of the pyramid is the one who
is willing to take the risks, usually in the form of a backflip
or a layout. It helps to be light, nimble, and flexible. Since
you are the person with the farthest to fall, you have to be
able to rely on the stability of the team suporting you.

Fortunately, in business no one actually tosses you ten feet
into the air and expects you land on your feet.

Well, almost never.

2. Step lightly on your way to the top. You can’t simply
manipulate and coerce your way to the top of the pyramid. Well,
you can, but then when it comes time to perform a trust fall,
you may have a slight problem.

This corollary of point number one seems to have escaped quite a
few people. Some seem to think that “underlings” are meant to be
stepped on, climbed over, and not-so-subtly kicked on the way
up. It’s one thing to accidentally land on someone’s foot, but
some people leave a trail of crushed clavicles and contusions.
These are the same people who discover that when they are in
trouble, no one will return their calls.

Make sure you know the difference between who is “underneath
you” and who is “holding you up” - it’s a big one.

3. Keep cheering loudly, even you are winning. This is a
marketing lesson if ever there was one. So you’ve landed the big
client. Maybe you’ve landed several. Don’t stop marketing your
company and looking for new clients just because you are
currently busy. Projects end, businesses change, decision-makers
come and go - make sure you’ve got new clients lined up. It’s
the only way to keep your company growing, your cash flowing,
and V-I-C-T- oh nevermind.

4. Having the lead at halftime doesn’t mean you can slack for
the last half of the game. So you were first to market with
your product, or maybe you built a better mousetrap.

Right now there is someone out there thinking about how they can
capture your market share with a bigger, better, faster version.

Besides, in business the game doesn’t actually end - you might
be winning at a given moment, but you never can say you’ve “won.”

(I know: that was a stretch for cheerleading. But cheerleaders
need to stretch.)

5. As mom used to say, “if you are going to do a backflip in
a miniskirt, you’d better be wearing your best underneath.”
Actually, when mom said it, I think there was a bus involved
somehow, but close enough.

Don’t call attention to practices that you don’t actually want
scrutinized. Better still, don’t get involved in practices that
can’t stand up to scrutiny. Sooner or later someone is going to
examine what’s behind the hype.

Sometimes it’s vapourware, and sometimes it’s fraud. Sometimes
it’s just a matter of making an announcement of your latest
greatest product so far in advance of it actually coming to
market that the buzz comes and goes without paying off in terms
of sales.

Whatever the cause, get your house in order before throwing the
doors open. Sooner or later, someone is going to ask that
question.

For more details, see: Hollinger, Enron, or Worldcom. Of course,
it’s best not to get mental images of Bernard Ebbers wearing a
miniskirt.

Today’s Pet Peeves:

1. People who slop up the microwave and don’t clean it. Granny will probably do it when she can’t stand it anymore.

2. People who make no left turn signal, turn in front of you, illegally, than wave their middle finger at you as you are frantically hitting the brakes to miss them.

3. A close second to leaving the toilet seat up? Leaving the shower button on so the next person turning on water to fill the tub gets their head soaked.

4. People who come up with all these great ideas for projects then leave doing the actual work to others.

5. People who use the drive up window at the bank then do so many transactions that you just sit there and breathe their fumes for ten minutes until you finally drive around and go inside. Then you find out there’s only one teller and she’s still taking care of drive up window.

6. The dentist who told me, without batting an eye, that I needed two root canals at fifteen hundred dollars each. No wonder he wears a mask!
Well, I sure wasted money today. Bought a box of twenty Christmas cards and since I only have two friends, these cards will last me ten years. Maybe I could find another friend and use them up sooner. Fat chance of finding another friend.

Another peeve: Shirts and blouses used to have one tag at the neck. Now they are up to three annoying tags or labels that poke and irritate neck and side. I just read an ad that said, “No annoying tags or labels.” They couldn’t see that coming? Now they have imprint with name and washing instructions that shows through shirt. And those plastic things that hold the labels and instructions that you have to cut off and one piece goes flying to who knows where.

Grandma Marge Holley has been writing all her life and just published two humor books. She turned 62 years old this year, is a library director in a small town in the Northwest, writes a local column titled, Granny’s Journal” has five children and fourteen grandchildren. E mail her at asccm@hotmail.com.

In the course of my experience working and training in gyms,
I’ve seen people doing some incredibly “interesting” exercises.
Unfortunately, it’s usually because these people have not been
properly instructed in exercise technique. Here are some of the
top winners. Remember, these are actual exercises that I’ve seen
people do. I made the names of the exercises up to match the
lunacy of how they look.

DO NOT TRY THESE AT HOME! OR AT THE GYM! OR ANYWHERE!!!

1. Dumbell Hair Combs - Start by holding a dumbell in front of
you. Do a front raise with it then whip the dumbell back and
over the top of your head like you’re combing your hair with it.
Make sure to just miss your skull.

2. Hog-tied Face-Rubs - Lie on your stomach on the floor. Grasp
your ankles behind your back and rub your face back and forth on
the ground repeatedly. Continue until you’ve had enough.

3. Abdominal Earthquakes - Lie on the floor on your back in the
classic start position of a crunch. Now yank as hard as you can
on the back of your head up and down and thrash your legs around
in the air like you’re fending off starving dogs. This evidently
works your abs. You will resemble Jello that has just been
dropped on the floor. Your face should be as red as a tomato by
the time you’re done.

4. The Arm Wrecker - Do one cheating, momentum-filled rep of an
arm exercise with ridiculously heavy weight then swing your arms
around as fast as you can in a circle to get blood to the
muscle. This technique will either help your arm grow or will
smack the person waiting to use the machine/weights next.

5. Pelvic Demolisher - Stand with your fingers interlocked
behind your head. Do a pelvic thrust forward and drop your
spinal column down and backwards about 6 inches. This exercise
is best done in front of a large group of people.

6. Dumbell Doggy Digs - Bend over at the waist so that your back
is rounded completely over like an arch. Your legs should be
completely straight and locked out. You should look like you are
trying hard to touch your toes but not really succeeding. Hold
two dumbells down at arms-length. Now spin them round and round
repeatedly just off the floor so that you resemble a dog digging
a hole.

7. Pec Rockets - Set the pec deck machine with far too much
weight for you to handle safely. Make sure you are very sweaty
and slippery before attempting this one. First, use your entire
bodyweight to get one arm pad up to the front. Then, throw
yourself at the other one to get it to the front. Hold them
there for a half-second then get shot four feet out across the
floor as you squirt from the machine like a greased banana.

8. Rush-Hour Bench Press - This exercise is done on the vertical
seated chest press machine that has a foot pedal to help raise
the weight to the starting position. Use this pedal at the
bottom of every single rep to bounce the weight back up. Your
footwork will resemble that of someone in rush-hour traffic
going from 0 to 60 to 0 every 3 seconds.

9. Close-Grip, Behind-The-Neck Shoulder Press - Sit in a
shoulder press station, gripping the bar overhead with about 6
inches between your hands. Bring the bar down directly behind
your head. Be sure to lean forward 45 degrees and round your
back over so that your shoulder joints and lower back each get
their fair share of trauma.

10. C.P.R. Bench Press - Start by loading your safe maximum
bench press weight onto the bar. Now add 20 more pounds just to
be safer. Have your spotter lift the bar off the rack for you.
Lower it 2 inches on your own power then allow it to drop and
cave in your rib cage. Be sure your spotter is a strong
deadlifter before attempting this exercise as you will need them
to pull the bar off you at the bottom of every rep. When your
spotter has pulled the bar off you after the first rep and is
trying to put it back on the racks, yell out “I’ve got six more
reps!”

Remember that this is just a small sample of things I have
actually seen people doing. Please be sure when you do your
exercises that you take the time to learn proper form and, if
you do see someone performing an exercise that is potentially
harmful, tactfully assist them.

For more information about exercise technique and errors, go to

http://www.fitstep.com/Library/Exercises/Exercises.htm

It’s funny the kinds of things that you remember sometimes. Just a little while ago I began smiling because I was thinking about something my mother told me many years ago. I was a teenager at the time, and I think that I was dating several girls instead of just dating my steady girlfriend. My mother, for some inexplicable reason, was not too crazy about that, so she gave me a lecture about how I was going to lose her. She went on and on and on about it, and I finally grumbled back some sort of response, which prompted her to look at me and say something that I still remember to this day. She said,

“Son, beware of city women that smell too good, country women that act too good, and old women with fast hands.”

Pretty profound, huh? I thought so, too. Funny thing, though, since then I’ve learned a little more about life, and have picked up on something rather interesting. She was one hundred percent right about watching out for the smelly city women, the too good country women, and she was very, very right about the fast handed old women, but I’ve discovered that it’s not these type women that men need to watch out for the most. In my experience, the women that you need to watch out for the most, in fact, the women that you need to give a very wide berth to, is those women with thick ankles.

That’s right, women with thick ankles. I mean, think about it for a second, women with thick ankles need to be given plenty of space. Ed Jr. whole heartedly agrees. When I asked him about this, he told me that women with big ankles naturally have bad dispositions. He said that they really have no choice, if you think about it. When I asked him why, he said that whenever big ankled women lay down that their ankles rub together. “And son, over time, they build up calluses, so it has to hurt, and it would right smart affect a person’s disposition. Think about it, a person’s ankles clunking together over and over and over again. Imagine how it would affect it a person after years of it. They’d end up being one mean, easy to rile up, parentheses legged person. When it gets down to it, I don’t think I’ve ever seen a woman with thick ankles who‘s been in a good mood.”

That’s a pretty profound statement. It also makes tons of sense. There’s just no upside to thick ankled women. If one is out walking around somewhere, her ankles just might clunk together and create a potential accident situation for both herself and others. And thick ankles can’t be disguised, if the woman wears white socks, they’ll look like softballs, if she wears orange socks it’ll be even worse as they’ll look like basketballs. Or maybe even pumpkins. And I don’t guess that there are any plastic surgeons out there who can help with this problem, after all, I don’t think I’ve ever heard of anyone getting an “ankle lift” before. It’s a bad situation anyway you happen to look at it, and then some.

I’ve talked this over with the Happy Divorcee, aka the Pip, and he swears that he’ll never date a thick ankled woman. I’ve also talked it all out with Ray and Hugh, and we’ve decided that we’ll immediately institute a ban on any potential future visits by thick ankled women over at the IHOP. We don’t need the potential liability involved, nor can those thick ankles banging around together sound very good, it might even interfere with the BTO, Elvis, and 2 Live Crew music that we all like to listen to. And that by itself is plenty of justification for the ban.

Young men of the Southeast (and beyond), take this column as a public service reminder for yourselves - you’ve been warned both by the Godfather and The Brotherhood about thick ankled women, so take heed. Remember - you can live with a woman who has mean relatives, uses too much perfume, or makes you buy feminine hygiene products. That can all be dealt with by gritting your teeth and cussing under your breath. But big ankles? Man, if you go out and get hooked up with a thick ankled woman, you deserve to have your bank accounts drained as only Dr. Sholls can do it….

About the Author

Ed’s latest book, “Rough As A Cob,“ can be ordered by calling River City Publishing toll-free at: 877-408-7078. He’s also a popular after dinner speaker, and his column runs in a number of Southeastern publications. You can contact him via email at: ed3@ed-williams.com, or through his web site address at: www.ed-williams.com.

Copyright The Quipping Queen 2005.

JEEPERS CREAPERS IT’S JULY!

– Odd Events & Activities Calendar for July 2005 –

Compiled by: Beatrice Blitterlees & Earl Craboon

July is one of the most popular jocund, jocose, and jocular months of the year.

In a nutshell, this means one can be jestful, merry, playful and witty without fear of becoming a public spectacle.

After all, it’s summertime. And in some places like Canada, this 60-day season comes but once a year … along with oodles of blinking bugs, hordes of black bears, and far too many blessed barbecues to count.

“Joie de vivre” is in the air! Now get ready to jay-walk with joy, munch jelly-beans with reckless abandon, and jog to your heart’s content (without any clothes on of course).

And without further adieu, as the saying goes, “May my karma run over your dogma”. If you don’t fancy that, then enjoy the following odd activities designed to put a smile on your face if nothing else!

July 1 – JUMP FOR JOY DAY (Time to leap tall buildings, skip something important on your to-do list, and hang out with all the other jungle-bunnies at the Jungle Gym).

July 2 – JUNK ART, JUNK BOND, AND JUNK MAIL APPRECIATION DAY (Who said there’s no gold in them there hills of riff-raff and really tasty refuse!)

July 3 – JEZEBEL RECOGNITION DAY (A festive occasion to celebrate red-hot mommas, fashion-conscious floosies, and those saucy, sultry sirens that spice up life!)

July 4 – JUMBO APPRECIATION DAY (Time to honor all the white elephants supported by public taxpayers, and those everyone ignores sitting in their living rooms).

July 5 – JOUSTING TOURNAMENT DAY (For all Knights of the Board-Room Table who need to don their jock straps and shiny armor suits, ride well-heeled hobby horses, and yell “cowabunga” while poking each other in the mid-riff with super-duper, ludicrously long whopping rubber pointy things just to have a bit of fun and frolic).

July 6 – JOHNNY-ON-THE-SPOT APPRECIATION DAY (Time to honor the humble but clean and safe public places of ease that afford one the opportunity of taking a piddle during a parade, a leisurely leak during a jamboree or simply letting the creative juices flow at an outdoor jazz festival …so when nature calls, why isn’t there a blinking one in sight?)

July 7 – NATIONAL JERRY-BUILD & JURY-RIG RECOGNITION DAY (It’s never too late to honor all those marvelous makeshift folks who simply slap things together with a bit of duct-tape, silly putty, and glue without things falling down around their ears!)

July 8 – JUNKET AWARENESS DAY (Time to audit all the places politicians, pundits, and grand pooh-bahs have visited in the name of “expanding business opportunities” or “understanding diverse cultures” …all on the taxpayers’ tab!)

July 9 – JIM-DANDY, WHIZBANG & HUMDINGER DAY (A great way to honor average Joes who want a name change and need a reason to have a party when it isn’t even their birthday …they’re just glad not to be at work today!)

July 10 – JEEPERS CREEPERS - IT’S CRAB APPRECIATION DAY (In honor of all those cranky Cancer-types who love security, money, food, children and also some very old casual clothes you wouldn’t be caught dead even if they have designer-labels and were once worn by Batman or the Bees Knees for that matter).

July 11 – JOLLY JUXTAPOSING DAY (For all those folks with a color-coordination or mix-and-match impairment gene, and now a valid excuse to dress up like a dork!)

July 12 – JOYSTICK & JOYRIDE AWARENESS DAY (This day is dedicated to people who are all thumbs, hate teeter-totters, and always dreamed of driving a kiddy-car).

July 13 – NATIONAL JOB-HOPPING DAY (In honor of those who quit their juicy jobs as call center operators, burger flippers, or toll booth attendants and ran away to the circus).

July 14 – JAW-BONING & JAY-WALKING DAY (Time to recognize the vital role played by influence peddlers and crazy cross-walkers in the lives of the dull and boring).

July 15 – JOB’S COMFORTER AWARENESS DAY (There’s one in every crowd who discourages or depresses while seemingly giving comfort and consolation – give them a wailing towel, a big fat sucker, and send them back where they came from fast!)

July 16 – JOSHING & BANTERING DAY (Good-natured teasing, idle-talk, and twiddling thumbs burn calories and brings bliss, what more do you want from life?)

July 17 – JUMPER, JUMP-SUIT & JOHNNY FASHION DAY (Time to honor clothes designed for folks with no curves, no class and no clever jokes to get a laugh!)

July 18 – NATIONAL PUT-YOUR-JOHN-HENRY-HERE DAY (Finally a day to finger all those folks who scribble signatures on documents that none of us can read!)

July 19 – JANGLED NERVES & JIGSAW PUZZLE DAY (A time to honor little lost puzzle pieces and those frazzled folks who call this leisure activity – stress-busting!)

July 20 – JODHPUR APPRECIATION DAY (A form-fitting pair of leggings with a full cut through the hips that every well-dressed closet elephant-lover should wear!)

July 21 – JOLLY ROGER RECOGNITION DAY (Pirates are pleased that basic black is back, while patriotic flag-waving folk adore the classic look of skulls and cross-bones to impress their friends & allies!)

July 22 – JOHNNY-COME-LATELY DAY (If you’re always late for a very important date …and your name’s not the “Mad Hatter”… this day is made for you!)

July 23 – JITTERBUG APPRECIATION DAY (So you have two left feet, and you can’t find the right groove let alone the wrong one…but who says you can’t jive, jump and down, or jiggle your booty like the Big Bopper or the Loony Crooner?)

July 24 – JETSAM & FLOTSAM APPRECIATION DAY (Time to toss a few things overboard in the sea of life before you take that all-expense paid trip on the Titanic!)

July 25 – JIGGING, JOGGING, & JUGGLING DAY (A way to honor those who like tap dancing on the head of a pin, running a mile in someone else’s shoes, or deftly tossing objects in the air with not a hope in hell of catching them without the aid of an iron fist in a velvet glove, a spanking new magic wand and the Wizard of Id presiding over this ridiculous spectacle).

July 26 – JALOPENA PEPPER AWARENESS DAY (If the devil is in the details, then Beelzebub probably eats Tabasco sauce for the main course and hot peppers for dessert! So if you want to be a big bouncer or a big bazooka movie star – eat plenty of those suckers!)

July 27 – JUMP IN THE JACUZZI DAY (To gain a new perspective on life, toss your knickers, drop your drawers and enjoy a bubble bath with your friends or neighbors).

July 28 – INTERNATIONAL JARGON APPRECIATION DAY (In recognition of people who love the sound of their own voices and enjoy spitting out some very strange words that baffle or boggle the mind of those who have to wade through all their bleeping bumpf!)

July 29 – JOVIAL JINGOISM DAY (Time to write a hiliarious, catchy but short patriotic jingle to rally the freedom-loving world against the evils of licking luscious bubble-gum flavored soft ice-cream on a hot day!)

July 30 – JACK-IN-THE-BOX & JUMPING JACK DAY (A day honoring all those who spend an inordinate amount of time, money, and other resources trying to stuff “Jack-be-nimble-Jack-be-quick” back into the wrong frigging box …but never tell that to a manager …because these Big Birds are paid to pigeon hole everyone!)

July 31 – JOWL APPRECIATION DAY (This is joy-filled festive occasion features fondling of a dewlap, wattle or pendulous part of a double chin belonging to an intimate friend or close companion - just to let them know how much their wiggly whatsit means to you).

About the Author

Lady Beatrice Blitterlees and Lord Earl Craboon are two charm-free types (who having been tossed out of the House of Lords and Ladies in Jolly Olde England) ended up in the Court of the Quipping Queen situated on the tip of Vancouver Island waiting for a 9 point on the Richter scale earthquake to hit at any moment. (In the meantime, please feel free to drop by www.quippingqueen.blogspot.com for more breathtaking details).

Do you have King Albert in a can? Such phrases used to be the rage of the Mad Magazine reading youth of the 70’s. Today the standard for the prank or crank call has been raised with examples in pop culture television shows such as the Simpson’s. There are now even entire shows, such as Comedy Centrals “Crank Yankers”, devoted to the art of fooling an unsuspecting phone recipient.

So what might we expect in the future? Well technology is beginning open some intriguing possibilities. I remember as an 11 year old having a tough time convincing someone in my high pitched voice that I was working on the electric lines and wanted to see if their refrigerator was running. With some modern assistance, such as MorphVOX a voice changing program from Screaming Bee, a kids chance of pulling off such a prank are greatly increased.

MorphVOX when combined with computer to phone services such as Skype-Out or Yahoo Messenger, enable one to change their voice to a different age, gender or even unnatural spirits. This opens the possibilities for a whole new level of pranks. Imagine a St. Patrick’s Day phone call from a leprechaun, or calling your girlfriend on Halloween with the distorted voice of a child ghost. For the less cruel, how about a call to your kid from the Easter bunny?

So next time you hear sounds like a large gruff man asking about your refrigerator, just remember it might be a couple of kids using the latest in technology for an old prank.

Learn more:

Mad Magazine (http://www.dccomics.com/mad/)
MorphVOX – Voice Changer (http://www.screamingbee.com)
Simpson prank calls (http://www.bodo.com/simpsons/simpcall.htm)
Skype (http://www.skype.com)
Yahoo Messenger (http://messenger.yahoo.com/)
Crank Yankers
(http://www.comedycentral.com/shows/crank_yankers/index.jhtml)

Copyright and Trademark Information:
MorphVOX is a trademark of Screaming Bee LLC. Skype is a trademark of Skype Technologies S.A.; AOL Instant Messenger is a registered trademark of America Online; MSN Messenger is a trademark of Microsoft Corporation; Yahoo is a trademark of Yahoo! Inc.; Google is a trademark of Google Technology Inc. Crank Yankers is a trademark of Comedy Central; Mad Magazine is trademark of E.C. Publications, Inc; The Simpsons TM & ©2004 T.C.F.F.C. All Rights Reserved.

Shawn Pourchot is an avid online game player, and prankster disguised as a respectable businessman.