The Management Consulting Group

An amicable divorce - what is that? We can remain friends even though our relationship didn’t work out. Yeah, right!

When you are getting a divorce, it may seem impossible to envision a future where you will become friends with your ex-spouse. So many issues which led to your separation and dissolution of marriage are still too fresh. The problems which separated you remain on the table, complete with all the things you fought over and the feelings that go along with all that unresolved anger.

It might not seem possible for you to imagine that at the end of your relationship, there might be something salvageable, let alone a full blown friendship. If there are children involved, that only complicates an already strained connection. Yet, depending on where you are in the divorce process, you can advocate for yourself while maintaining an open door for future friendship. Sound impossible?

Some simple ground rules to see you through.
Keeping the following ground rules in mind when dealing with the situation will either make this possible or impossible. Allowing you to work towards a friendship when it is comfortable for the both of you, rest assured, if handled correctly that time will come to pass.

Maintain your dignity at all times
No matter what is going on you must always maintain a sense of dignity and respect for your partner and yourself during your negotiations. Work through your lawyer whenever possible. They are your impartial conduit to keep things civil and professional. If you do find yourself dealing directly with your spouse, work to keep emotion out of your interactions. That may sound extraordinarily hard when you’re in the thick of things, but for a smooth transition and future relationship, it is imperative to stay as cool and collected as possible. It may also mean leaving the negotiations for a later time.

Know when to leave the room.
You have to know when to leave and geographically remove yourself from a situation spiraling out of control. It is very easy to get caught up in finger pointing and accusations. If you find yourself losing your cool or becoming emotional, stop, take a deep breath and say just that - you need to end the conversation. Some parts of a divorce will always be too painful and difficult for you to solve face-to-face. Avoid the pitfall of playing superhero. Recognize that you and your spouse are extremely vulnerable during this period. A good lawyer or mediator can help greatly in these circumstances.

Be willing to compromise where possible.
Take it point-by-point. Remember, how do you eat an elephant? One bite at a time. A marriage is like an elephant and its dissolution can only be successfully accomplished one point at a time. However you feel the assets should be divided, it is important to understand that for each of you, some things are more important than others. If it’s not important to you, don’t sweat the small stuff.

You can’t keep everything
For example, it may be important to you that any heirloom items passed down from your family remain with you, and it may be equally important to your spouse to keep his or her retirement benefits for intact. Your lawyer will be able help you evaluate the financial implications of decisions and choices in as fair and impartial way as possible. If you fight over everything, nothing will be accomplished and you will both lose. Bitter feelings will remain, and any chance for future camaraderie will be unworkable.

Understanding what is most important to your spouse and being willing to compromise or concede to those things may make your spouse more than willing to do the same for you.

Realize that your lives will now be separate
Any new interests your spouse has with other people or things are no longer part of your life, unless you are invited in. This works both ways. This is where mutual respect comes into play. What this means is that you and your spouse will be moving on, spending time with new people and eventually dating.

Avoid being judgmental
A sure-fire way to kill off the possibility of a friendship is for you to be judgmental of the new people in your spouse’s life. Becoming overly friendly or involved with these new people can also have the same effect. Your lives are separate and you must get on with rebuilding a life detached from your spouse’s world, just like the two of you built a life together. Know your place, and let your ex-spouse know if your own boundaries are being overstepped.

Know when to say nothing.
One of the most important things to remember is to know when to keep your mouth shut. We were taught that if you don’t have something nice to say about somebody, don’t say anything. This adage is never so important as during and after a divorce. School yourself from speaking negatively about your ex-spouse especially around your common friends. This can be difficult, as there seems to be a natural curiosity from friends to delve into the reasons for your separation.

How-To Avoid Prying Questions
They may ask prying questions and look for blame. It easy to fall into the trap of it was your ex-spouses fault. Reach for a general response which casts no blame and ends the conversation so that you can move on to what’s really happening in your life now. Phrases like, “we just grew apart” or “the divorce was a positive step for both of us” can sometimes help to keep the questions at bay.

Present yourself as confident and happy
Remember you do not have to answer a question just because it is asked, especially if it is personal. Your reasons for your divorce are your own business, and it is your choice as to how much you wish to share.

Keeping your spouse as a friend may seem impossible now, but by following the suggestions above you will have created the possibility of amicability in the years to come.

About the author
Judith Brandy is a writer, breast cancer survivor and science fiction fan with a slightly skewed, amused perspective of the world. Read some of her other articles at:
http://www.writingbuzz.com.

Whether you’re a husband or a wife, take a look at these top ten suggestions (one list for men, one for women) for couples who want to heat things up from the kitchen to the bedroom. These lists have some of the most tried and true methods for romancing your spouse. But the most important things you should do is ask your partner what he/she likes, be creative, and have fun!

For Wives

1. Give him something to think about. Try saucy emails or pictures of you in your sexiest lingere and label them “For Your Eyes Only”. A sure way to make him want you all day long.

2. Take some initiative. Don’t make him be the one to get the party started all of the time.

3. Don’t talk him to death. Just show him that you’re available. Preferably, not during the game or an important business call.

4. Wear your best smelling perfume–preferably one that he gave you.

5. Wear the lingere you had on in the photo.

6. Dance for him. Belly, pole, or lap: figure out which one your husband would most appreciate.

7. Create a romantic environment. You should go out of your way to make the palce look and smel really nice, but at the very least, clear the kids toys and clothes out of your bedroom. Make sure the house is in order.

8. Don’t make him guess what you want. He’s not a mind reader.

9. Be adventurous (to the level you’re comfortable with). Be considerate of his fantasies, but don’t be foolish.

10. Have fun, and let him KNOW you’re having fun.

For Husbands

1. Arrange to cook dinner or have it prepared professionally. And, if you don’t do it normally, wash the dishes.

2.Draw a nice warm bubble bath for her. Adding rose petals is a nice touch.

3. Join her in the bathtub.

4. Massage her whole body. Not just for ten minutes. Take your time. Pay special attention to her back, legs, and feet.

5. Make her feel beautiful, and TELL her she is. Pamper her: wash/brush her hair, do her nails or treat her to the salon before your time together.

6. Wear your most intoxicating fragrance, preferably one that she gave you.

7. Dance with her (or for her) depending upon how brave you are. When the dance is finished, you should be wearing only a smile.

8. Feed her strawberries, chocolate, whipped cream, and a bubbly beverage.

9. Don’t underestimate chick flicks. If you think you can gleen any ideas from them, do it. No one has to know except you and Blockbuster/Netflix.

10. Try not to watch the clock. You have all the time in the world. So focus on her and act like time is standing still.

Now that you have some inspiration, what are you waiting for? Get off the computer! It’s time you and your honey start fanning the flames!

Keishia Lee-Louis is the Editor of http://www.Married4Good.com (Launching November 2005). Her work has appeared on iVillage.com, BibleResourceCenter.com, and in numerous other publications. Currently, she is writing a book on marriage and relationships(Spring 2006). If you’d like to see more of her work, visit http://married4good.blogspot.com

Here follows suggestions and tips that will help you determine the ideal programme for your Wedding day. A String Quartet can provide music for every stage of your Wedding.

First of all, we have the Brides breakfast. If you are hiring the services of a String quartet for the whole day, you may be able to arrange for one or two of the players to come along for this early stage of the wedding at reasonable extra cost. A single string instrument, such as the cello, can provide gentle background music with Schubert’s Ave Maria or the solo suites by Bach. It is considered good form to invite the musicians to have a meal with your guests, especially if there is a long interval between wedding stages.

Next follows the Prelude. This is the stage when your guests arrive at the actual venue where the ceremony will take place. This is often a different venue from where the Brides breakfast and / or Reception takes place. You should allow enough time for the musicians to arrive at the wedding venue before your guests! By this stage, the full quartet (all 4 players) will need to be on site for the main part of the ceremony, so it makes sense to take advantage of their presence and ask them to play for the Prelude as well. The Pachelbel Canon is an ideal piece of music for this purpose. As this stage is probably the longest (with exception of the reception), the quartet will need to have a substantial repertoire of peaceful arrival music in order to avoid repitition. Selections such as the Flower Duet from Delibe’s Lakme and The Swan by Camille Saint-Saens are perennial favourites. A good string quartet will be aware of these requirements, and should be able to assure you that their repertoire is varied, extensive and appropriate. Allow up to 30 minutes for this stage.

Now comes the big moment of your Wedding day, the Processional (walking down the aisle!) This is when you’ll be very pleased that you hired a String Quartet. The actual music for the infamous ‘Here comes the bride’ is the Bridal Chorus by Richard Wagner. If your prospective ensemble doesn’t know this piece (and it’s proper title), walk away! They most likely will of course. If you have your heart set on something else, you must make sure that the quartet either already has it in their repertoire, or has the resources to acquire it. More obscure musical requests may need to be written specially for quartet. Arrangements of most show tunes etc. should be within the grasp of the quartet musicians themselves. You should however, expect to pay an additional fee for this service. A good arrangement takes time.

The Signing of the register is the next stage of the Wedding which requires music. The Andante Cantabile by Tchaikovsky or Alexander Borodin’s Quartet no.2 are both very appropriate for this stage of the wedding, as they are relaxing and soothing pieces of music. Bach’s Air on the G string is also wonderfully effective. This allows everyone in the room to have a bit of a breather and will help to release any tension in the room! You should ensure that the quartet you have hired has the entire selection prepared, and not just excerpts, again to avoid endless repetition of ‘the famous bits’.

That’s it, you’ve done it, you’re married! All that’s left for you to do is to walk back down the aisle, the Processional. Unless you have very strong feelings about an alternative piece of music, it is advisable to stick with the Wedding March by Felix Mendelssohn. Everybody expects to hear it, it suits the occasion perfectly and is a fantastic piece of music perfectly matched to the sound of the String Quartet.

It’s party time! The reception follows the processional, and often takes place at a different location from the wedding ceremony. In order to ensure that the musicians arrive before the guests, it is advisable that you allow them to leave the ceremony immediately following the conclusion of the processional. There is a huge amount of very good Quartet repertoire which is suitable for a Wedding reception. It would be possible to satisfy the needs of your reception with the music of Mozart alone! Of course, an experienced quartet should have a balanced repertoire. Even so, It is worth checking that the musicians have certain pieces in their arsenal. Make sure that they have on hand all the well-known baroque and classical masterpieces by Mozart, Haydn and Handel, some light music classics, jazz standards, show tunes and arrangements of other popular songs. You should expect to hear Ein Kleine Nachtmusic (a little night-music) by Mozart, Boccherini’s Minuet and The ragtime music of Scott Joplin to name but a few.

About The Author

Warren Zielinski is a top Professional violinist and musician. As Chief co-creator of the comprehensive and useful musicians-anytime.co.uk website, Warren has an enviable reputation amongst live classical wedding music specialists in the UK and abroad. Musicians-anytime specialises in providing the best young professional string quartets and ensembles for all types of events, parties and ceremonies.

info@musicians-anitime.co.uk

So you’re getting married. Congratulations! It’s an exciting time. Probably, most of your attention is focused on the wedding. But after the wedding, comes the rest of your life. How do you keep your marriage happy after the big day? It’s really not that complicated. I can do it in one word, but I’ll take a few more for explanation.

I bet you think the one word is “love,” don’t you?

Nope.

Love is important, certainly, but it’s definitely not enough.

The word that IS enough is this: Respect.

Respect each other’s feelings. Respect each other’s intelligence. Appreciate your differences. Don’t try to remake each other. You don’t do that to people you respect.

What does showing respect to your partner mean?

It means never criticizing them in public, not even as a joke. If your mate has a weakness or foible that you find endearing, you may be able to lightly tease them about it. But if the trait is one that bothers you, it’s not a subject for public discussion, and it won’t be funny to your partner. Even if he or she laughs it off, inside it stings. Bottom line: If you wouldn’t want your partner to say it about you, don’t say it about them.

This does not mean you should not discuss the things that bother you about each other. You should. But it should be in private, at a time when you can talk quietly and calmly, and never around other people.

It also means trying not to correct the other person in public, unless absolutely necessary. If your spouse is giving someone directions, and he or she says “right” when “left” is what it should be, then you will need to point that out, as politely as possible.

But if your husband is telling a story or your wife is making a point and you just think you could do it better, don’t. You can add your observation after the story is over, but do it the same way you would for your best friend or your mother..with respect.

There are other things involved in showing respect: Get each other’s backs. When your partner needs support, do your best to give it. When you appreciate something about your mate, say so.
“That was funny,” “You look really beautiful,” “You are so smart.” Say it when you think it, not when you think you should.

The bottom line: Treat your partner at all times the way you want to be treated. Of course, sometimes you are going to say things you don’t mean or do things you shouldn’t. You’ll get impatient, you’ll lose your temper. If you or your partner were perfect, life would be one big bore. But be willing to acknowledge when you’re wrong, and be willing to forgive when your partner is wrong.

So, have a wonderful wedding, and after the wedding, mingle love and respect, and have a wonderful life!

Rhetta Akamatsu is a wedding planner and seminar instructor in Marietta, GA, as well as an ordained wedding officiant. She is the owner of Rose and Star Wedding Planning. Currently, Rhetta and her husband are celebrating ten years together.

You can visit the Rose and Star website at http://www.roseandstar.com.

Are you thinking about writing a part or all of your marriage ceremony? If you are, you can use the following for your wedding, or for an informal spiritual re-confirmation of your marriage commitment. Just fill in your names and enjoy!

(Names of couple), we are gathered here today for a very special occasion. Your family and friends have blessed you with their presence to witness this divine ceremony. It is a ceremony of bondingof bonding with love and joy. (Names of Couple), every relationship is like a bridge that is supported by two separate foundations. If you are strong by yourselves, and you communicate constructively, your bridge, that is your relationship together, will flow with life’s many lessons and remain standing strong and proud for a very long time.

The following thoughts and guidelines will help you be a strong foundation for your relationship. (Name of Couple):

1. You are here to be your individual selves and to experience life to the fullest.

2. You have the free will and the power to be whatever you want in your life.

3. What you do and say does make a difference.

4. Speak and act from your heart.

5. Be the designer and master of your life.

6. Follow your path of joy.

7. Do what makes you happy and excited.

8. Live in the now and have fun.

9. Know that you are worthy of all that you desire.

10. Listen inside yourself for your truths.

11. Accept responsibility for all your feelings.

12. Understand that fears are False Evidence Appearing Real.

13. Release your fears and judgments.

14. Know that you have your problems in order to learn lessons.

15. Everything you do enhances your life through the wisdom you gain from it.

16. Forgive yourself for all the things you have done which you feel were wrong.

17. You do deserve a fantastic relationship.

18. Take the responsibility to love yourself.

19. Love yourself no matter what you say and how you feel.

20. Self love is the key to your health, happiness and success.

21. Depend on yourself to fulfill your needs.

22. Be your own best friend.

23. Measure your success for each day not by how much you have done, but by how much you have loved.

24. Be the person you want your partner to be.

25. Know that you are primarily together to learn unconditional love and for the joy of sharing with each other what you already have.

26. Focus on the essence which is love instead of the form which is the relationship.

27. Be patient with yourselves and each other.

28. If you are upset, look to see what your partner is mirroring in you.

29. Then explore what you need to do to remember that you are love and you have it all.

30. Experience inner peace, your greatest contribution to world peace.

Let’s now honor these truths by lighting these special candles, (bride and groom light candles.) and with this sacred drink (drink grape juice with arms encircled).

Now please face each other. Repeat your chosen vows as you place a ring on your beloved’s finger.

(Name), I promise to:

1. Communicate clearly so that you can know how I feel and what I want.

2. Listen to you when you talk to me, and then you will want to keep sharing your thoughts and feelings.

3. Keep clearing my resentments with you so that we can continue to feel close.

4. Release my anger constructively and then tell you calmly what I am angry about or if I feel hurt or frightened.

5. Help solve our problems with win-win solutions.

6. Keep my agreements and tell you the truth so that you can trust me.

7. Take responsibility for all my feelings and behavior.

8. Forgive myself for all my wrongdoings, and accept that I deserve a fantastic relationship.

9. Accept you the way you are even though you may be different than me.

10. Understand that what you say or do is a reflection of you and not of me.

11. Be patient with you, and forgive you when you make mistakes.

12. Encourage you to explore your unique interests, talents, and potential.

13. Spend quality time with you, and then you will be convinced that you are important to me.

14. Treat you as I would my best friend.

15. Compliment and appreciate you, and tell you how much I care.

16. Balance my life between work and play, and encourage you to do the same.

17. Continue to seek excitement, fun, and the magic of life with you.

18. I promise, my beloved, to love you unconditionally.

(Song of love)

With the power invested in me by God, I now pronounce you husband and wife. You may seal your commitment with a kiss.
(Couple faces guests)
Loving Guests, I would like to introduce to you a very blessed couple:

Mr. & Mrs.___________.

Note: For more information about relationships, note Helene’s booklet and e-book: “A Promise of Love” and her tape: “Fantastic Relationships.”

©1997 by Helene Rothschild, MS, MA, MFT, Marriage, Family Therapist, speaker, author - www.helenerothschild.com

HELENE ROTHSCHILD, MS, MA, MFT, is a Marriage, Family Therapist, intuitive counselor, author, teacher, workshop facilitator, and speaker.

She offers empowering telephone, internet, and in-person healing sessions for all issues including: healing your body, relationships, career, prosperity, weight loss and parenting. Helene developed her own unique process, HART: Holistic and Rapid Transformation, which goes right to the core. She teaches HART classes and independent studies.

She is the author of Personal Success ~ an interactive online self-help program, many articles (free articles) and over 85 inspirational and self-help books, booklets, e-books, tapes, posters, and cards–close to a million have been sold worldwide. Helene has appeared numerous times in the media (including international CNN), and hosted her own local radio and television shows. All of her educational materials, classes and services support her mission of helping people to feel more loving, peaceful, fulfilled, healthy, happy, and empowered.

http://www.helenerothschild.com

One of my favorite memories from last year was not watching my young daughters rip into their Christmas presents, or seeing them perform in the school talent show. No, my happiest recollection was the date my husband and I went out on one stormy Tuesday night in November.

A few days before, we’d had our fill of running the girls to swimming lessons and fighting with them to do their homework. We could not endure the sight of one more PTA notice requesting money for this fundraiser or attendance at that meeting. We broke. We called a sitter and reserved a table at the most elegant restaurant in town.

And what a night it was. The sitter was late, of course, and the wind snapped off tree branches and hurled them at our car, but we made it. The food, the wine, and the service were fine. We put the children firmly out of our minds. By the time the salad came, we were sufficiently unwound.

We started having fun. We were laughing. The subjects of the weird charge on our cell phone bill or our dire need for a new refrigerator never entered the discussion. We were transformed into the couple we used to be before children, two cars, and a mortgage. We were footloose, fancy free, and out for a good time.

The happiness of that evening stayed with us for many days. We were attentive to one another. We remembered why we’d gotten married and were glad for it, proving my mother’s advice that happy couples continue to date each other forever.

“It’s important,” she’d say.

But, in the early years of our marriage, I’d make excuses. Diaper and formula bills left little money for nights out on the town. It was impossible to find a good babysitter. It was selfish of us to take time away from the children.

“Make it a priority,” my mother would respond. “Children are the result of the marriage, not the reason for it.”

Like a lot of couples, my husband and I had forgotten that. We’d completely wrapped ourselves up in our children and their needs. We started losing sight of each other, but we knew that if we didn’t make time for our relationship, our children would grow up and we’d be left behind, looking at each other and wondering, “Who the heck is this person?”

So we decided to make it a goal to go out on a date once a month (once a week is better, according to my mother), and I heartily recommend you do the same. If you’re a woman and your husband is reluctant, don’t guilt trip him into “taking” you out. You’re not luggage. Instead, remind him that you love him, and tell him that you miss having him to yourself. That should convince him.

I’m not going to pretend it’s ever easy to squeeze a date onto a calendar of never-ending responsibilities. It isn’t. My husband and I had dinner plans tonight, but we had to cancel due to an event at our daughters’ school. It’s disappointing, but it won’t deter us. We’ll just reschedule our night out for next week.

We’ve made it a priority because, as my mother counseled, our happy marriage depends on it.

Terry Hernon MacDonald is the author of “How to Attract and Marry the Man of Your Dreams.” Visit her website at http://www.marrysmart.com .

While many brides are fretting over their wedding colors or
centerpieces, they all have the same opinion regarding their
wedding music.

String quartets are the number one choice of brides and grooms
according to Chandler Judkins, owner of the most popular
musician contractor company in Las Vegas called Las Vegas
Wedding Music.

Las Vegas Wedding Music receives more requests for string
quartets than any other music group, even though they offer
dozens of options including jazz quartets, piano soloists, big
bands, and more.

“Our string quartets alone have doubled, if not, tripled within
the last two years,” Judkins said. “Las Vegas is fast becoming
an elegant city to be married in and that means, more string
quartets.”

DJs are known for their affordability and usually nothing more.
So couples on a budget might hire a DJ to save a dime, but they
are oftentimes disappointed in the service and atmosphere. Those
same brides and grooms are quick to state that if they had the
funds, a string quartet would be their number one choice of
wedding music.

However, string quartets are also starting to outrank DJs in
costs. In Las Vegas, DJ costs are skyrocketing and in many major
wedding chapels, couples have to foot a $2,000 to $5,000 bill.
Judkins thinks this is outrageous.

“Las Vegas Wedding Music will never gouge couples to make a buck
just because this is Las Vegas,” Judkins said. “We want to
promote live music so we keep our prices as low as possible. Any
string quartet hired for a wedding should cost less than $1,000
for a few hours of performing, and if the quartet is only for
the ceremony, it should cost less than $800.”

Judkins said that couples should check prices before making a
commitment on their wedding music. Couples should also be
careful because sometimes wedding coordinators aren’t always
honest about live musician prices.

“It’s easier for wedding coordinators to use the same DJ for
every wedding, so they don’t have to bother finding a band,”
Judkins said. “So many times they state that a string quartet
will cost a lot more because of the time they will end up
putting in to find that string quartet. They often take a cut
off the musician’s price because they have to work to find the
perfect band.”

Judkins advises brides to find their own string quartet through
a wedding musician contractor. That way they know the musicians
will show up, they can hear sound demos of the band, and brides
won’t have to pay a coordinator hidden costs to do the work for
them.

To see an example of a musician contractor’s site, go to
www.LVWeddingMusic.com.

“Those who come to me are the brides and grooms who truly know
that nothing compares to live music for their wedding,” Judkins
said. “No matter what DJs offer, they can never offer the same
benefits that a live string quartet offers.”

When planning your wedding, ask yourself: why is there so much silk involved in a wedding? You know the answer as well as I do: Silk symbolized elegance. Silk has been around for literally thousands of years and has been used by people for ages for all sorts of purposes. When used in bulk and custom designed for a wedding dress, silk isn’t cheap. Let me restate that, silk is cheap when bought by the truckload from a mass manufacturer in China or somewhere else. But, by the time it’s styled and added to a fancy wedding dress, the resulting silk product can be costly.

When someone gets married, they want the wedding to be as fancy (and unfortunately for the person who is footing the bill, expensive) as possible. For that special woman, no expense should be spared. And believe me, the wedding caterers know this. They’ve seen thousands of couples come before you and they are professionals as sizing up how much money is likely budgeted for you wedding.

Silk flowers are another popular item found at weddings. Arranged properly, silk flowers can add a huge amount of beauty to any ceremony. In fact, there are many stores (likely online) that carry different types of silk flowers and silk flower arrangements for your wedding.

On top of that, many small custom providers of different silk flowers and plants can be found online. Say, you are having a Hawaiian themed wedding. Wouldn’t it be cool if there were silk palm trees and silk coconuts. Yes. It would. Now just convince whoever is paying for your wedding that these are integral parts to your wedding and you are all set.

Michael Welling is a contributing author at http://www.thesilksite.com The Silk Site has silk and silk flowers information.

Do you want to fall in love and feel intense chemistry for someone? Do you want passion in your relationship, with sparks flying when you look in each other’s eyes? Most of us look for someone we can feel this way about.

However, many people find that when the romance wears off, they don’t even like the person they chose and the chemistry has evaporated.

It is important to feel that chemical connection with someone, but beyond chemistry, there are multiple ways that couples experience attraction. For some people, the heady aura of romantic love comes after they have connected spiritually and intellectually. Below are some of the other qualities that attract people to one another:

Intellect

Two people having equal intelligence is a good indicator that there may be a strong foundation for a relationship, if other factors are in place (spiritual, chemistry, values.) This is why internet dating sites have become legitimate avenues for singles to meet. People get to know each other by exchanging thoughts first. When both people are willing to be challenged intellectually, and learn and grow from their communication, it is likely they will never grow tired of each other’s company.

Security

Some people need safety of some kind, whether emotional or material. The greatest problem in being drawn to someone for security is that the temperature of the relationship can rise and fall depending on the economic climate (which may depend on the economic fluctuations in the country). And often, when someone seeks an emotional cushion, the person they have found is actually the one who needs the most support, and has little to give in return. True security comes when both people know who they are; what they want; and are both capable of taking full responsibility for themselves.

Shared Interests

We all look for someone who likes to do some of the things we like to do. It doesn’t have to be everything, but if each party has enough in common that they can enjoy together, their bond will deepen. They may like hiking, camping, travel, dancing, or cheering for the same football team.

Values

A relationship cannot last if both people don’t share the same values. If one person feels they must deny any of their core values for the relationship to survive, resentment will erode whatever foundation the relationship was built on.

Attitude

Many people bond around a shared perspective on the world. The most resilient bonds are those that are able to view life together with humor. Any problems that come their way are approached with wit, grace, and the ability to see the ridiculous, without wailing about life’s injustices.

Spirituality

Finding a common spiritual ground is a strong bond between people. They will approach life in a similar manner and make decisions each understands, such as how to celebrate the holidays, raise the children, and interact and treat each other consistent with their beliefs.

Creativity

Creative people are able to flex, adapt, and make the changes necessary to move forward. If they have a job or career that becomes obsolete, they go back to school or start a business in a field that is current. If both people in a relationship know how to access their creativity, they will work well together, solving life’s problems in a fluid manner.

The challenge for couples is to get beyond the chemistry before the relationship becomes committed and they discover they don’t know each other.

Chemistry is a good thing when it is taken into consideration with the above qualities. But without most of the above, those sparks can turn into cold charcoal.

Visit http://www.tonjaweimer.com for more tips, skills, and insight on dating, relationships, singles, and love. Subscribe to our F*ree Savvy Dating Newsletter from master single’s coach, life coach, and syndicated columnist, Tonja Weimer.

Copyright 2006, Tonja Weimer. (Please note source if reprinting this article.)

Building “Hedges” around Your Christian Marriage Author
Interview with Nancy C. Anderson, Avoiding the Greener Grass
Syndrome By Lisa M. Hendey

I typically “blur over” when reading books related to
relationships, but Avoiding the Greener Grass Syndrome (Kregel,
December 2004, paperback, 112 pages) by Nancy C. Anderson
grabbed me from page one. This is probably due to the fact that
Anderson takes time to share her own experience and marriage
prior to jumping into suggestions for how you can improve yours.

In the first section of the book, we learn why Nancy calls
herself a “cheater” on the opening page and we experience the
strains and near break up of her own marriage. Thanks to the
power of prayer, true forgiveness and the guidance of loving
parents, Nancy and Ron were able to work through the challenges
they faced and have now gone on to be happily married for 26
years.

Given this backdrop, the second section of the book is filled
with helpful principles that will enable couples to avoid the
many extramarital temptations that may crop up in even the
strongest of Christian marriages. Nancy shares her ideas and
wisdom in a fun, very readable fashion.

The “things to do” and “things to think about” sections at the
completion of each chapter help to pull together the concepts
presented and to apply them to one’s own relationship. This is a
great resource for couples in all stages of marriage and equally
valuable to couples either happily married or facing challenges.
Invest the time to read this book and share it with your spouse.

Nancy Anderson has the following to share about her new book and
safeguarding your Christian marriage.

Q: Nancy thanks so much for your time and for this great book!
You start off right away by introducing yourself as a “cheater”.
Why did you feel compelled to share your own experience of
adultery in this book and how do you hope that this can help
readers?

A: The reason I tell my story is to, hopefully, prevent it from
becoming someone else’s story. I am willing to say, “I’ve been
to the other side of the fence and I can tell you that the grass
is NOT greener. It’s full of weeds and thorns…it’s a lie.” I
want to tell couples that if they water their own marriages,
they can grow a beautiful, healthy “green” relationship in their
own backyard.

Q: Could you please briefly describe the six protective “hedges”
we can build around our marriages to keep them intact and
flourishing?

A: The H.E.D.G.E.S. are all action words, because we have to be
proactive in our marriages, always rebuilding, remodeling, and
reconnecting as life brings challenges that can divide us.

Hearing - Listening to your spouse is they key to unlocking
their heart. People who have committed adultery often say, “My
wife/husband never listened to me - they never heard me.” “The
hearing ear and the seeing eye, the Lord has made both of them.”
Prov. 20:12.

Encouraging - Experience the teamwork building power of a
helping hand and a compliment. Focus on the positive qualities
of your mate. “So then, let us aim for harmony…and try to build
each other up.” Romans 14:19

Dating - Build a life that celebrates marriage. Have fun, laugh
and play together. “Let your fountains be blessed. Rejoice with
the wife (husband) of your youth.” Proverbs 5:18

Guarding - Establish safeguards for your relationship. Set clear
boundaries, that neither of you should cross. “Above all else,
guard your heart, for it affects everything you do.” Proverbs
4:23

Educating - Study your mate as if he or she was a textbook. Seek
to understand and appreciate your mate’s unique qualities.
“Dwell with your wife according to knowledge” 1st Peter 3:7

Satisfying - Meet each other’s needs. Ask your spouse what he or
she needs from you, and then do those things. “You shall be like
a well-watered Garden” Isaiah 58:11

Q: What role should faith play in the marital union? Why is
commitment to a Church family so integral?

A: When I had my affair, my husband and I were lukewarm
Christians who were not attending church. That lack of
accountability lead to my self-deceptive thinking. I didn’t get
Godly council and I took advice from non-Christians. I believed
the world’s lie; “You deserve to be happy,” I sought feelings
over truth and selfishness over self-control. I took God off the
throne of my life and lived to please myself.

Now, with Christ as the foundation of our marriage and our
church as our social and spiritual base, we stand firm and
accountable to other Christians.

Q: I know that many couples who are experiencing marital
challenges will benefit from their reading of your book, but why
should happily married couples invest their time in reading
Avoiding the Greener Grass Syndrome?

A: Because preventing an affair is always better than trying to
recover from one. Some security firms hire reformed burglars to
show them where their property is vulnerable; I can show you
where your marriage may be vulnerable. Also, every husband and
wife should know the warning signs that may indicate your mate
is having an affair. If you have a good marriage, this book will
give you creative ways to make it great. It has many fun and
practical ways to keep your marriage fresh and exciting.

Q: You discuss planting “guarding hedges” in some of the areas
of one’s life where temptation might creep in - could you please
say a few words about these, especially the workplace and church
environments.

A: Jake and I worked together. He told me that I was funny,
pretty and smart. He laughed at my jokes and bathed me in
compliments. Those compliments were like magnets and I became
very attracted to him. My husband was critical and rarely
praised me, so I was starving for positive attention. I’m not
excusing what I did, but the workplace can be a dangerous
environment if you are not being “watered” at home.

Most affairs begin with a flirtation and flirting can happen
anywhere, even at church. Choir members, Sunday school teachers,
and committee leaders often work together at church activities,
and that can lead to trouble if the relationship becomes too
personal. We have to guard our hearts, even at church. If you
are attracted to someone, stay away, and don’t allow an
inappropriate bond to form - we are told to flee temptation.

Q: Thanks again for your time. What do you feel is the single
most important factor in creating and maintaining a successful
marriage?

A: For me it has been the friendship factor. I not only love my
husband, I like him. Our relationship is not just based on
passion and romance, it’s deeper than that. Those things may
come and go during the years, but our friendship, trust and
devotion are stronger and more stable that our emotions. Love
based on caring for each other and a firm commitment to Christ
is described in Ecclesiastes 4:12b where is says that a
three-stranded cord is not easily broken. If you love God, and
each other, in thought word and deed, your
three-stranded-marriage will survive and thrive.

For more information on Avoiding the Greener Grass Syndrome
visit
http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/082542013x/catholicmomcom

Lisa M. Hendey, wife, mother and webmaster of
http://www.CatholicMom.com and http://www.ChristianColoring.com
is an avid reader and writes from Fresno, California. Visit her
at http://www.lisahendey.com for more information.